


i carry your heart with me

by sunstainedsheets (less_than_improbable)



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Domestic, Drama, Established Relationship, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Wang Yi Bo & Yin Zheng, zswwlsfyweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29626464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/less_than_improbable/pseuds/sunstainedsheets
Summary: 'Zhan ge, I found my soulmate,'his text reads. Yibo's thumb hovers nervously above the Send button.Xiao Zhan deserves to know. Why is he nervous about letting him know? It's not like he's going to choose some stranger over Xiao Zhan in a day.---Or, that one time Yibo finally met his soulmate and told Xiao Zhan about it.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean
Comments: 42
Kudos: 212
Collections: ZSWW/LSFY Week 2021





	i carry your heart with me

**Author's Note:**

> For ZSWW/LSFY Week 2021!
> 
> Late for the fest because I knew my 2/18 draft wouldn't make it in time. D: It's my first time writing something this long in a while! Thanks to G for helping with my dilemma for this fic and to the multiple online editors I've used to scan this work lol. This is an experiment for future work as well 8D Inspirations are E.E. Cummings' "I Carry Your Heart With Me" (for the title and vibe), [ Taylor Swift's "You are In Love"](https://open.spotify.com/track/2KrOAg6FftbjgSKdd2a4rS?si=cjT4dl4JQ8ezrulHPNhnSA), and [Stella Jang's "Choose You"](https://open.spotify.com/track/6sTvm65LQPE0kjBVTVjVOm?si=aH-95LuFTZeGNYCL8hGF8w). I recommend listening to these songs for bgm!! Enjoy!

Xiao Zhan drops one last kiss to Yibo's stockings-clad calf. It quivers in response. "This is bad, Yibo," he whispers against it. "I might be addicted to Wang laoshi's legs," another kiss, this time on his knee. Yibo whines. They've gone at it thrice now, and he is  _ exhausted _ . Their friends will often assume that Yibo is the more energetic of the pair, but when Xiao Zhan get turned on... They don't know the monster he becomes. He ravages anything Yibo on sight. "I might just let you wear these all day long, or perhaps... '' Xiao Zhan tilts his head to the side, thoughtful. "Perhaps your signature color? Either way, your legs will look as pretty as they always do, just a notch sexier."

"Ge," Yibo starts, breathless. "If we go for another round, you're literally going to suck the life out of me. I don't think I have any come left." Xiao Zhan giggles at this. He saunters upward, trapping Yibo's upper body underneath him, and gives him a quick peck.

"I'm sorry, baobei. You're already so pretty, but I think I find things about you every day that make you prettier." Upon hearing this, Yibo puts his hand against Xiao Zhan's chest and attempts to push him off for being so cheesy. Unfortunately, even his arms are weak from the marathon. To think he's more active than his boyfriend.

Xiao Zhan is a scam. A 6-foot tall scam. A scam he's been believing since they were kids, since they promised to be each other's soulmates until they die.

The blare of his phone alarm shocks them from their little bubble. "It's time to work," Xiao Zhan whispers into his ear. Glaring at him, Yibo stretches his arms out and pouts.

"Get me up, Zhan ge. It's your fault I can't even get up." Yibo stresses his point by jutting out his lower lip more. "Next time,  _ you're _ going to be wearing these stockings and  _ you're _ going to be one with the limp."

"You're going to rail me in stockings, huh, Yibo?" Xiao Zhan teases as he pulls Yibo up. "I don't think my hairy legs would look good in stockings."

"What about a skirt?" Yibo wiggles his brows. Then, he gasps. "Better yet,  _ lacy panties _ . They're going to emphasize your ass, ge." He stares at Xiao Zhan with a twinkle in his eyes. Xiao Zhan playfully slaps his shoulder. "Imagine my cock in that ass with your pretty panties, ge. I  _ really _ want to try that." He clenches his fists and pretends to grab Xiao Zhan's ass in the air.

Xiao Zhan is as red as a tomato. "You're going to be the death of me, Wang Yibo."

Yibo sticks his tongue as he haphazardly sheds the ruined stockings to the side. "Excuse me? I came four times last night, Xiao laoshi. You almost milked me dry.."

"Touche."

Yibo stretches his arms upward, and then to the side. He opens the door to their bathroom. "Zhan ge, shower? You're going to be late if you wait for me to finish."

Xiao Zhan tosses their discarded clothes on the floor to their laundry bin. "I'll catch up in a moment." He says, tidying up their bed. Yibo delights in the fact that it's because of him that Xiao Zhan has started a habit of picking up after himself more often. Yibo had always been a neat person, and staying with him for five years has made his boyfriend pick up his habits as well.

Yibo leaves the bathroom door open. He steps into the shower and lets the warm water wash over the evidence of their lovemaking last night.

* * *

Yibo still remembers the day he swore he'll love Xiao Zhan forever. He also remembers being turned down for the nth time because, according to Xiao Zhan, forever did not exist and they aren't _ soulmates _ .

Soulmates. A concept that has plagued modern society and dictated the abstract world of emotions and relationships for centuries.

The first-ever soulmates in the world did not recognize they were soulmates. In fact, it was until the last moment of their lives that they knew they had something peculiar. They were so in tune with each other that they did not notice they were literally inside each other's heads.

That was the mark of a soulmate. They invade your thoughts first. They will be like an echo until they gradually become louder with proximity. After being in each other's presence for some time, you start to feel their feelings. It goes on until you and your soulmate cannot differentiate each other's thoughts and feelings. At that point in time, there are only two ways to go: 1) adapt to the change and devise a way to still create a self that's distinguishable from your soulmate, or 2) give in to the chaos and develop co-dependency issues. Soulmates are a blessing and a curse. It satisfies each human's need to be loved, but if one indulges too much, it takes away their sense of self.

Everyone has a predestined soulmate in their lifetime. The stars have lined up enough to make sure soulmates exist at the same time. Sometimes, they find each other too late, meeting only when the other is on their deathbed. Sometimes, they find each other too early, when they aren't mature enough to comprehend the situation. When they grow up, they decide to split and find other partners.

However, these soulmates still gravitate towards each other. Parts of souls rebel against the host when someone meets their soulmate but decides to part with them. 8 out of 10 soulmates commit infidelity against their non-soulmate partners because of the inevitable pull. That's why most soulmate pairs just stick to themselves to avoid getting hurt.

Ever since he was a child, Yibo has always known that Xiao Zhan is his soulmate.

Sure, he didn't experience the intrusive barrage of thoughts that soulmates are expected to have. He didn't even feel Xiao Zhan's emotions. The only thing that affirms his knowledge is his love for the man, long before they grew into the men they are today.

The first time he confessed was when he was 10. Yibo and Xiao Zhan had been exploring the unkempt backyard of their neighbor to find the whining puppy they heard. After a series of tumbles, scratches from branches, and almost falling to their deaths after climbing a gate, Yibo's heart felt an indescribable sweetness when he saw Xiao Zhan scoop the terrified mutt so gently into his arms and whisper comforting words to it. He didn't know what came over him, but the words fell out of his mouth without caution.

"Zhan ge, I love you."

Xiao Zhan looked at him like he grew two heads. Then, he laughed and shook his head. "I love you, too, Yibo. Just like how I love my mama and papa."

Yibo scrunched his nose. "No, no. Zhan ge, I love you. I want to marry you."

Xiao Zhan looked at him, confused. "But, we're both men. Also, we're not soulmates."

"I don't care," Yibo shrugged. "I love you."

Xiao Zhan just chuckled at him. "You're a weird kid, Yibo. Now, c'mon. We need to go back before the sun sets."

For ten-year-old Yibo, that was the start of years of frustration and heartbreak.

* * *

Yibo is late.

He had to substitute as a teacher for the Ballroom beginner's class because his co-teacher reported sick last minute. Yibo doesn't mind doing it, but that just means he will have less time on the track today.

When Yibo gets to the tracks, there are other racers doing their laps. Yibo walks towards his trainer, Qing Yuan, and greets him.

"Yuan ge," Yibo calls out as he lands just a step in front of Qing Yuan. "Sorry. I took over someone else's class for today."

"It's fine, Yibo. Don't worry too much," With an amiable smile on his face, Qing Yuan pats Yibo's shoulder. "You're well on your way to ranking next May."

Yibo tips his chin a little higher, letting the praise wash over him. "Yuan ge trains me so well."

Qing Yuan sniggers. "You're a flatterer. Don't think I'll let you get some slack for today. Wear your suit and get your ass ready." Yibo dodges a gentle punch from him and runs off to the changing room. He puts on his suit in haste, excited to feel the exhilaration of high speeds and the chilly night breeze. Yibo loves motor racing simply for the sensory experience without much restrictions. In motor racing, he is in close contact with the elements, and he lives for that feeling.

Yibo goes back out to stand beside Qing Yuan. His eyes are pinned to a particular racer in a white suit. Yibo also follows the racer until he stops in front of them. Then, Yibo hears a voice.

**_Oh. Is he part of my team? Wow, he looks... Wait. Who is that? Who the fuck is speaking in my mind?!_ **

Exactly. Just like what the voice says, Yibo hears them in his mind. The racer in front of him takes off his helmet, and they lock eyes. They are petrified.

Hearing another person inside his mind only means one thing.

"It's you," The racer in front of him mutters, breathless. He has long hair reaching up to the nape of his neck. His cheeks are full and supple, and, oh, his  _ eyes _ \-- almond-shaped and meant for warmth and affection, and yet they bore through Yibo's walls with just a single look. He kicks the stand and leans the motorcycle against it. He walks to Yibo and raises his hand to touch his face, but decides against it. Yibo hates how his body almost leans towards his touch.

**_You're my soulmate._ **

Three simple words reveal the universe's plan for you. Three simple words send Yibo's heart into a cesspool of curiosity, attraction, fear, guilt, and confusion.

Yibo is afraid.

The racer falters, a visible frown adorning his features. He must have heard what Yibo was thinking. Yibo looks to Qing Yuan in panic.

Qing Yuan puts himself in between them. "Yin Zheng, this is Wang Yibo. Yibo, this is Yin Zheng. Yin Zheng is older than you, and he is a novice racer who came from Inner Mongolia. Wang Yibo here is one of my youngest riders. He's gearing to compete next May."

"Nice to meet you," Yibo bows his head to avoid looking at Yin Zheng. He also tries not to think anything so that Yin Zheng reads nothing from him.

" _ Wang Yibo _ ," The way Yin Zheng utters his name pulls at Yibo's heart. He sounds so amazed, so in awe just to learn his name. Yibo gulps down the rising bile in his throat.

****

**_Please. Not now, he tries to push onto Yin Zheng's consciousness._ **

****

**_Later? Can we talk later?_ **

****

**_Sure. But, I have to warn you -- I'm not interested in this soulmate thing._ **

Yibo sees Yin Zheng's face drop. **_Ah. But, we'll still talk?_ **

****

**_Fine. Focus on training._ **

They go through the motions of training. Qing Yuan teaches them a new technique to get ahead, and Yibo can implement it perfectly into his game. Yin Zheng proves to be a quick learner as well, and he's even faster than Yibo is. Yibo's competitive streak is challenged.

On Yibo's last lap, Yin Zheng catches up to him. Yibo glances at him and sees Yin Zheng tip his head.

**_Bring it on._ ** Then, he accelerates and passes Yibo in a few seconds.

**_You fucking bastard_ ** , Yibo grins despite himself. He presses on the accelerator and tries to catch up to him.

Their impromptu race ends with Yibo as the victor. Yibo gets off his motor and removes his helmet with a smirk on his face.

**_You're not half bad_ ** , he brags in his mind.

**_I was just gauging you. I'll beat you next time._ ** Yin Zheng sticks his tongue out at him.

**_You wish. Eat my dust._ ** Yibo flips him off.

Qing Yuan stands from his seat under the tent. He claps both Yibo and Yin Zheng on the shoulder. "It's just the first day, and you're already racing each other! What more when you're teammates during the actual competition?"

Yin Zheng and Yibo share a look before looking away. Yibo bites his cheek to prevent the smile on his face from growing.

"Anyway, I'm glad you two are getting along. It's already 8pm, so be careful on your way home." Qing Yuan pushes them out of the tent and towards the changing rooms as he bids them goodbye. Yibo hides inside a cubicle as fast as he could and sits on the lid of the toilet. He takes his time taking off his suit. He tells himself that it's only the adrenaline that made him lower his guard around Yin Zheng earlier, enough to enjoy himself in front of him. Yibo feels wrong. He shouldn't be enjoying himself with Yin Zheng because that means opening himself up to what fate decided for him. He doesn't want that.

**_Yibo?_ ** He hears inside his head. Yin Zheng's inside the changing room.

**_What?_ ** If that came out sharply, then Yin Zheng didn't mention it.

**_We're still going to talk, right?_ ** Hopeful. Yibo doesn't like the way Yin Zheng sounds in his head.

**_Yes. Just give me a second._ ** Yibo takes his phone out. He breathes in as he searches for Xiao Zhan's number. Telling him that he just met his soulmate will probably cause some anxiety to the man. After all, since he was a child, Xiao Zhan had always believed he would end up with his soulmate.

(Yibo sometimes feels inadequate against someone he doesn't know. Through the years, he has been battling for Xiao Zhan against someone he doesn't know, and it was by sheer chance that Xiao Zhan even gave him a chance. His boyfriend had always been a believer of soulmates since they were children.)

_ 'Zhan ge, I found my soulmate, _ ' his text reads. Yibo's thumb hovers nervously above the Send button.

Xiao Zhan deserves to know. Why is he nervous about letting him know? It's not like he's going to choose some stranger over Xiao Zhan in a day.

__

_ It's because you know Yin Zheng sways you, his treacherous mind supplies. You love Xiao Zhan, but how can you guarantee you won't fall for Yin Zheng? You're already feeling a pull towards him. _

No. Yibo will not let his years of loving Xiao Zhan be changed by whatever magnetic pull he feels towards Yin Zheng.

Yibo finally comes out after a while to face Yin Zheng. He will have to, eventually. Yin Zheng dons a camel leather jacket with black pants and a grey scarf. His red nose peaks underneath one of his scarf's layers. Yibo shakes his head. He is not finding another man other than Xiao Zhan adorable.

"Hey," Yin Zheng says as a way of greeting. He pushes himself up from the wall he is resting on. "I can read your mind, you know. I know you don't want to talk."

Yibo shrugs. "At least we're clear about that."

Yin Zheng just lets out a sigh. "Where do you want to talk? Do you want some food?"

"Mala," The word leaves Yibo's lips before he becomes conscious of it. "I want some mala soup." Mala has always reminded Yibo of Xiao Zhan -- it's he who taught Yibo to have a stronger gut for spicy food. Aside from slowly incorporating spice into their daily diet, Xiao Zhan had also nursed him back to health when Yibo had tried to "impress" him with his tolerance when they were kids.

Yibo smiles at the memory.

"Is he your reason?" Yin Zheng pulls him out of his reverie. "Is he your reason you're not into soulmates?"

"Yes," Yibo says, looking Yin Zheng straight in the eye. He hears a hum of thoughts that he cannot decipher in Yin Zheng's mind.

"There's a nearby cafe around here. I just discovered it today," Yin Zheng walks towards the exit of the track. "Let's have dinner there."

* * *

When Yibo was 13, he tried again. It was Valentines' Day, and everyone in his class was confessing left and right. He didn't care about the people who liked him; he only cared about Xiao Zhan. After an eventful art class, Yibo clutched Xiao Zhan's card in his hands as he ran to the boy's class.

"Zhan ge!" Yibo practically screamed when he slid open the door to Xiao Zhan's classroom. "Happy Valentines' Day! I love you! Let's eat mala soup later!"

All of Xiao Zhan's classmates looked towards the door. When they saw the little kid proclaiming his love for Xiao Zhan, they laughed and patted him on the back. "Xiao Zhan, your admirers are getting younger and younger."

At the mention of his name, Yibo glanced at the direction where Xiao Zhan was. The older boy was a blushing mess, embarrassed at the attention he was getting. Xiao Zhan's gaze found Yibo, and his embarrassment quickly turned to anger.

"Come with me," Xiao Zhan seethed, grabbing Yibo's arm and pulling him out of the classroom.

Once they were in the hallway, Xiao Zhan let go of Yibo with force.

"Don't do that ever again," he said through his teeth. Yibo backtracked a little, scared of the Zhan ge he faced at that moment.

"Do what?"

"Scream that you love me in front of everybody else!" Xiao Zhan shouted, fists curled up beside him. "You are so  _ embarrassing. _ "

Yibo was almost in tears. But, he's a teenager now. He gulped down the confused terror he felt. "I see nothing wrong with what I did." He tried to shrug, but it came off as him shaking like a leaf instead.

Xiao Zhan watched Yibo keep it together. Of course, he knew Yibo was scared. They had been best friends for years; of course, he understood Yibo better than anybody. Feeling a little guilty at his outburst, Xiao Zhan sighed and released his fists. "It's embarrassing, Yibo. I'm never gonna hear the end of it from my classmates."

"So?" Yibo's voice broke, betraying him. "What I said was the truth."

"Think about the appropriateness of your actions!" Xiao Zhan chided. "Timing! This couldn't have waited until we got home?"

"But," Yibo started. He looked unsure. "My teacher said that you have to tell someone you love them immediately because you never know when it's too late to tell them."

Xiao Zhan heaved another sigh. He shook his head. "Okay, fine." His eyes travel down Yibo's form. That was when he noticed what Yibo was holding. "Is that... for me?"

Yibo sniffed, unable to hide his fear anymore. "Yes," he pouted. "I made it just for you."

Xiao Zhan gasped. Slowly, he walked towards the younger and held his hands. "I'm sorry, Yibo." He bowed his head. "I was wrong. I'm sorry."

With Xiao Zhan looking so remorseful, Yibo didn't need to think twice. He didn't lift his head. He nodded instead in acknowledgment. "I forgive you. I'm sorry for embarrassing you, too."

Xiao Zhan gently tugged the card away from Yibo's hands and opened it. "Your drawings are getting better." He said with a smile. "Jianguo really looks cute here."

That made Yibo look up. "Right?" Xiao Zhan sighed in relief when he saw the shine back in Yibo's eyes. "I tried my best to copy! I hope you like how I drew us, too. I drew your favorite pants."

"You want to eat mala soup later? Are you sure?" Xiao Zhan raises a brow. "You're not good with spicy food."

Yibo shakes his head. Xiao Zhan nearly misses his trembling lips. "I-I can do it!"

And, just like that, everything was alright between them. They were friends again. But, Xiao Zhan never responded to Yibo's confession.

* * *

They don't get mala soup.

The only place close to the track is the cafe Yin Zheng mentioned. Yibo tells Yin Zheng he isn't that hungry anyway, so they settle to just get some coffee.

"I'm getting an Americano. How about you?" Yin Zheng asks as Yibo peers into the display. The buttered croissant looks like it had just been taken out of the oven. Yibo salivates at the thought of the croissant but shakes his head because he knows he can't have something this late.

"Um, hi. I'll get one Americano and a buttered croissant, please." Yibo whips his head almost immediately when he hears Yin Zheng order the croissant. He narrows his eyes at him while Yin Zheng raises his hands up.

"What? You wanted it. I don't understand why you can't have it." Yin Zheng shrugs.

"You're not getting any brownie points for doing that." Yibo pulls out his wallet and scans the WeChat code the cashier presents, not even giving Yin Zheng any time to react and do the same. Yin Zheng clicks his tongue and chuckles.

"You are a stubborn brat," Yin Zheng says, fond. Yibo questions his sincerity. How can someone feel fond of another person whom they've just met? Is he just going to play it up to the fact that they're soulmates?

After getting their orders from the counter, they find a table at the back of the cafe to settle in. The lessened chatter in that area of the cafe helps calm Yibo's nerves.

"So," Yin Zheng starts. He thumbs the handle of the mug and stares intently into his coffee. "We're soulmates."

Yibo just hums.

"But, you don't want to... do this?"

"No."

"Why?" Yin Zheng sighs. "I've heard some things earlier, but I want you to tell me. Let me understand. Because, for me," He looks at Yibo with a piercing gaze. "I've been preparing myself for you all my life."

Yibo can't help it; he blushes at the other's words. "I already have someone. That's it."

"But, Yibo, you know, right?" Creases adorn Yin Zheng's forehead. "How many non-soulmate couples fail over the years. How... it just leads to --"

"I know, Yin Zheng," Yibo raises his hand to stop Yin Zheng from speaking further. "I know what I got into, what we got into. I know what I'm up against, have been for years." A glare. "I'm not taking this lightly, Yin Zheng."

"I know you don't. I feel you here," Yin Zheng points to his head. "I understand the gravity of your decision. But, help me understand, Yibo. How can you choose someone else over who the universe has gladly given to you on a silver plate? It would be easier to be with me."

Yibo looks outside the window, lost in thought. "Do you just choose something just because it was given to you? What if it's something you don't want or even need?" He huffs a humorless laugh. "People say soulmates are the universe's gift to us. But, the concept of gift is quite one-sided, don't you think? The gift all depends on what the giver perceives as what the receiver needs. Then, we're taught to appreciate the gift because we'll look ungrateful to be given something." He pays his attention back to Yin Zheng. "I don't need a soulmate. I need Zhan ge. At first, I was even prepared to spend my life without a partner, not even a soulmate, just because I love him. I'm just lucky that he chose me, too."

"I'm jealous," Yin Zheng has a tired grin on his face. "He can make you smile like that without even being here. I'm trying to fight a losing battle, huh." He pushes the plate with the croissant towards Yibo. "C'mon, eat this. Let me spoil you a little at least."

"Thanks for the croissant, ge. I'll have a hard time sleeping later, but it's worth the free food." Yibo smirks and takes the plate into his hands.

"You even teased me for getting you this! Unbelievable."

Yibo just sticks his tongue out at him.

"So, tell me about this 'Zhan ge'." Leaning forward, Yin Zheng rests his palms on his lap. "I want to hear about the person who's taken my place beside you."

Yibo quirks a brow. "Just because you're my soulmate doesn't mean you have a saved spot here." He picks up the fork on the tray and divides the croissant into two. He takes a bite and swallows before indulging Yin Zheng. "Well, Zhan ge is the kind of person you'd want to introduce to your parents."

* * *

Yibo confessed again when he was 14. Xiao Zhan turned him down and said he was just mistaking his feelings for him. They hadn't met their soulmates yet, so it was understandable that they clung to people who would give them attention. Yibo stormed out after that confession. It took a late-night trip to the local sweets shop to calm him down.

He attempted again when he was 15. Seeing the seriousness in his eyes, Xiao Zhan turned him down this time because he had 'never thought of Yibo that way'. He said it was only his soulmate he could ever think of like that.

Before Xiao Zhan went off to college, Yibo confessed one last time. Yibo told himself that he'd move on if he got rejected. And, true to the pattern, Xiao Zhan rejected him once again, asking Yibo what he got out of confessing to him each year. He held it back while Xiao Zhan bid him goodbye and rode on that truck that took him to the city, but Yibo cried in his room that night, inconsolable and lost to despair.

However, Yibo's heart didn't know when to give up. So, he contented himself with loving Xiao Zhan, even if he knew there was nothing he could ever hope to get back. The two childhood friends kept in contact as usual, but Yibo stopped expecting things out of Xiao Zhan. After all, the higher the expectation, the more painful it was when expectations weren't met.

While Xiao Zhan was back in their hometown for the summer, they hung out like usual -- bonding over video games, trying to get Xiao Zhan to be more active by jogging or playing basketball together, and cooking whenever no adult was present in the house. College changed Xiao Zhan a little. He felt more independent now, but those chubby cheeks reminded Yibo that he wasn't much of a grown-up yet.

Yibo still loved him either way.

They laid on the grass on the hill near Yibo's house, waiting for the sun to set. Xiao Zhan wanted to remember the colors of the sunset for his painting class next semester. He said he didn't see the sunset properly in the city, so this was his only chance.

"So, Yibo," Xiao Zhan asked beside him. "Have you had girlfriends while I was away?"

Yibo furrowed a brow. "Ge, you've known since I was ten that I don't like girls."

Xiao Zhan chuckled awkwardly. "Right. Yeah. Um, boyfriends?"

Yibo pouted and turned away from him. "Of course not."

He heard a gulp from behind him. "Are you still...?"

Yibo turned abruptly and grabbed Xiao Zhan's hand. "Zhan. Ge." His nose flared. He was about to confess yet again, but he held himself back. He let Xiao Zhan's hand go and looked up to the sky to calm himself down.

Xiao Zhan gulped yet again. "Yibo, I..." Shifting to a sitting position, Xiao Zhan sat up and cleared his throat. "I think...I changed my mind about soulmates. And, I decided to..." He cleared his throat. "Yibo, I have a boyfriend." His eyes were downcast, as if he couldn't meet Yibo's eyes.

Movies made this feeling of everything crumbling down so superficial. When he was the one in the second lead's shoes, when the protagonist told him he wasn't quite enough for him, when the status quo Yibo had forced himself to accept broke, what, then, would he do?

The first thing he did was turn his back on Xiao Zhan.

"Yibo?" Barely a whisper. Xiao Zhan was afraid, Yibo knew. Yibo bit his lip. Sometimes, he wondered if Xiao Zhan understood Yibo's feelings for him. It was just so unfair. Xiao Zhan knew Yibo was in love with him; why did he have to tell him, of all people? He could've had some sense of respect. He would have spared Yibo the heartbreak. "I'm sorry. It's just that you're my best friend, and I really wanted you to know."

_ Inhale. 1, 2, 3. Exhale. _

__

_ Wang Yibo, you are _ **_the best friend_ ** _. You are not the boyfriend. You are not entitled to expect anything from Xiao Zhan. You are  _ **_his best friend_ ** _. _

"Congrats, Zhan ge." Yibo forced the words out of his mouth. "I hope he makes you happy."

"Yeah," Xiao Zhan sounded like he wanted to say more, but he settled for another 'yeah'.

The rest of the day passed in silence. They bid each other goodbye when the sun had set. Fortunately, Yibo had caught a stomach bug for the rest of Xiao Zhan's stay. It saved him from seeing the face of the man he loved and remembering that he was not Yibo's to hold.

They drifted apart, that summer. Xiao Zhan went back to the city to pursue his studies, while Yibo did his best to graduate from high school. Yibo formed his goals and dreams for the future and received much support from the people he loved. If he ever felt a pang of emptiness because he didn't tell a certain someone he held dear, then he ignored it.

There were two significant events that happened the summer he turned 21. The first thing was that he heard him.

He heard his  _ soulmate _ . Yibo had just gotten off the provincial trains when he heard it. He froze when an unfamiliar voice spoke in his head.

**_Ugh, having a 9-5 job sucks. I hate this. My ass is getting flatter by the minute, and I barely get any exercise because of the schedule. I just want to ride again._ **

Many had described hearing their soulmate's first thoughts in their mind as phenomenal. Yibo just found it weird. Seeing as he heard his soulmate's voice in a train station, Yibo didn't get his hopes up.

Besides, despite knowing he was taken, Yibo's heart still belonged to Xiao Zhan.

The second surprise was that Xiao Zhan came home.

He came home for Yibo's 20th birthday.

The gathering was simple because Yibo didn't like extravagant parties. It was just a night where he can get drunk with his friends in his backyard without his parents chiding him for it.

Xiao Zhan came late to the party. He was wearing a light blue hoodie, the one he always wore whenever they hung out, and was holding a rectangular box with his armpit. He was as beautiful as Yibo had remembered, although his face was leaner now -- chubby cheeks replaced with wrinkles and heavy bags under his eyes. Yibo took a deep breath to settle himself. He never recalled sending him an invite.

"Zhan ge?" Xiao Zhan was in the middle of greeting his parents when Yibo called out to him. The cordial smile on the other's face dropped, but he was careful not to let Yibo's parents notice.

"Hi," Xiao Zhan started. His voice took Yibo's breath away.

"Hello," squeaked Yibo back.

"I'll leave you youngsters to catch up. It's been so long since Zhanzhan came home!" His father said good-naturedly as he pulled his mother away from them. Yibo gawked at the man he used to call his best friend, at the man he had loved for years. He couldn't quite pinpoint it, but Xiao Zhan had changed. Whether it was for the better or for the worse, he didn't know. It had been three years since they talked.

"Want to get away from here?" Xiao Zhan offered, putting on a smile Yibo knew was too polite for his liking. Yibo narrowed his eyes but said nothing. He turned his back on him.

"Upstairs. Balcony in my room." He said curtly. Yibo maneuvered his way through the small crowd, greeted a few friends, and climbed up the stairs. The shadow in front of him told him that Xiao Zhan was following him.

Yibo wrapped his arm around the doorknob and opened the door. He made his way across the room to open the balcony door. The fresh air hit his face. He remembered the times when he and Xiao Zhan would just hang out here during school nights, doing homework or talking about whatever happened during the day.

Man, he missed those times.

He felt Xiao Zhan move beside him. They looked at the rich greenery behind Yibo's house, illuminated only by the moonlight. At least the view was peaceful. Whatever awkward silence was going on between them wasn't peaceful at all.

"Yibo," Xiao Zhan cleared his throat. He offered the gift he was holding to Yibo. "Happy birthday."

Yibo eyed the gift sternly before accepting it. "Thank you, Zhan ge."

"It's nothing special," mumbled Xiao Zhan. "I just drew you in one of Beijing's gardens." When he heard this, Yibo tore open the gift with haste and gasped as he saw the portrait.

"Zhan ge," whispered Yibo. He could only gape at the sketch, complete with a painted background of orange leaves and brown trunks. A perfect autumn's day with Yibo as the centerpiece.

Xiao Zhan scratched the nape of his neck. "It's nothing, really. I just thought of you and the sketch manifested itself."

"I... thank you, ge." Yibo couldn't keep his eyes off of the sketch. He looked so ethereal underneath the glow of the hot afternoon sun. How could he ever look like this in real life. "This is..."  _ beautiful _ .

Unknown to his target, Xiao Zhan was actually smiling at how Yibo marveled at his sketch. That might have been his breaking point, too. "Yibo, I... I thought about you. A lot."

Yibo dropped his gaze from the sketch, eyes wide. "Huh?"

"I thought about you, about us, while I was away. I tried to have boyfriends, but I... I kept looking for..." Xiao Zhan shook his head in frustration. "I kept looking for you in them."

Yibo almost dropped the sketch. He couldn't help but gulp at what Xiao Zhan was saying. What the hell was he supposed to say, anyway? What was happening?

"I'm sorry, Yibo," A bitter chuckle. "It took me so long to come here, to come back to you. I was just terrified of what I discovered and if I had anything to go back to at all." Xiao Zhan looked to the forest. "I knew I lost you that summer, Yibo. All because I was selfish enough to try to gauge your reaction. I was an asshole. I'm sorry."

Yibo did not utter a word. He couldn't believe anything Xiao Zhan was saying. It seemed like a miracle to have your best friend, who had adamantly refused you through the years, just finally admit to you he really liked you.

Yibo did not believe it.

"Zhan ge," Yibo gripped the sketch tightly in his hands. He refused to look at Xiao Zhan. "I've told you multiple times how in love I am with you, and each time, you let me down." He tried not to let the tremors in his voice show. "And, now, you think you can just  _ come in  _ and tell me you love me?"

Yibo knew that if he were to hold the sketch any tighter, he was going to rip it. He went back inside and tossed it gently onto the bed before coming back and facing Xiao Zhan. "How  _ dare _ you, Zhan ge?" His shoulders drooped. "That's just so  _ unfair _ . You think you can just come back into my life and live a happy ever after? I am not a safety net you can use when you feel lonely." A bittersweet smile. "Don't toy with my feelings anymore, Zhan ge.."

Xiao Zhan was at a loss. He tried to grasp Yibo's hand, but decided otherwise. It would not do to use force. "I'm sorry, Yibo. I know what I did in the past, but... I'm ready. I'm ready to give us a chance, soulmate or not. I don't care." His eyes were wild, as if they were searching even an inch of Yibo that would believe him. "I-I'll prove it to you, Yibo. I'll show you that you can trust me again. Just..." The pain on his face pierced right through Yibo. "Just don't cut me off.  _ Please _ . I really missed my best friend."

Yibo gulped. "I missed you, too." Because he did. There were times when he wanted to share random things in his day that Xiao Zhan would appreciate, but he stopped himself since they weren't on speaking terms. Feelings aside, Xiao Zhan was his best friend, and Yibo missed having his best friend around.

The rest of the night was awkward, to say the least. Xiao Zhan was making a visible effort, especially when he was around Yibo's new friends, but nothing could make up for the time he was gone.

But, Xiao Zhan assured him: "We'll make new memories for the ones we lost."

* * *

Yibo goes home to an overly clean apartment and Xiao Zhan tucked into one of their big fleece blankets while watching Tempting Heart.

_ Ah. He took it badly. _

He saunters to Xiao Zhan's side, pushing away the other's arm to snuggle under his armpit. Yibo looks up. "Zhan ge, I'm home."

A gentle smile spreads on Xiao Zhan's face as he looks down at Yibo. "Welcome home, Yibo." His smile doesn't meet his eyes.

They gaze at each other for a few moments, searching, meeting, and settling once they've found what they're looking for. Xiao Zhan reaches for the remote with his other hand, careful not to push Yibo out of his spot. Then, he places Yibo's head on his lap and runs his fingers through his hair. "So, how was it, meeting your soulmate?"

Yibo knows Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan enjoys doing things for his loved ones, and this manifests when he feels anxious as well. He enjoys picking up after them, pampering them, just so that he can focus on another person and not himself. They've had arguments about this in the past, and Yibo has always encouraged him to feel more because his feelings are valid. He has improved over the past few years, but sometimes he reverts to his previous habits, especially during times of distress.

Yibo is guilty. Maybe he shouldn't have told him about Yin Zheng.

But isn't it crueler to keep it from him?

They've sworn to be as honest as possible when they first got together. That is a promise Yibo wishes to always honor.

"He's..." How can he begin to describe him? "He's a good racer. He's also funny and very dedicated to the idea of a soulmate." Yibo shakes his head, remembering Yin Zheng's somewhat obnoxious claims."I don't know him enough, but he's a great guy. He's very attentive."

Xiao Zhan has a hard look on his face. It vanishes after a second. "Ah, and is he who you expected him to be?"

Yibo hums. "Not really. I've never had expectations on my soulmate, Zhan ge. Before I knew I liked you, my perception of a soulmate was a playmate I could have whenever I was left alone at home." He looks up and beams. "You soon moved beside us and became my playmate, though."

Success. Xiao Zhan manages a giggle. "More like I became your babysitter, huh? Imagine my surprise when I saw the neighbor's kid climbing up the fence just because he wanted to sit beside me while I watched cartoons." He slightly pulls on Yibo's hair. "You brat. You were so cute back then, but also had very little self-preservation skills."

"What can I say, Zhan ge? I liked you from the very first time I saw you. You were so cool back then! I think I fell in love with you when you gave me a drawing of us for my birthday. We were all stick lines and shit." Yibo laughs harder when Xiao Zhan hits his cheek, playful.

"Asshole," The mirth in Xiao Zhan's face fades. "But, um, Yibo, how do you feel about your soulmate?"

_ Ah, there it is _ . Yibo sits up and faces Xiao Zhan on the couch. He takes his hands in his. They are cold, he notices, and attempts to rub warmth onto them. "Zhan ge, you have nothing to fear. I still love you, and I'm still choosing you."

Worry finally reveals itself in Xiao Zhan's eyes. "Yibo, he's your  _ soulmate _ . Don't get me wrong -- I love you and I want to stay with you for a long time. But, he's the person the universe has destined for you."

Silence. Yibo plays with Xiao Zhan's fingers. He traces over them lightly. He tries to calm the anxiety inside him, but it surfaces and comes out of his lips. "Zhan ge, do you not trust me?" His voice is feeble, and so is his heart.

"Yibo, I do trust you." Xiao Zhan sighs. Tentatively, he cups Yibo's face and makes him look at him. "I'm not worried about you running off to your soulmate. I trust your feelings for me. I know that, if they ever change, you'll tell me and we'll talk things out before deciding. I've been your boyfriend for years, Yibo." He taps Yibo's nose. "I'm just... I guess, after all this time, I don't understand why you would choose me over someone who was blessed enough to be yours ." Xiao Zhan's fingers travel through Yibo's face. He gently swipes the pads of his thumbs on his eyebrows, cheekbones, and then his lips. "It's going to be difficult being with me, Yibo. Your soul will cry out for him, and maybe it will recognize that I won't be enough to soothe that ache. I know you love me still, but what can I do when a primal part of yourself wants someone else?"

" _ Xiao Zhan _ ," Yibo is seething, and yet he can't deny his boyfriend's concerns. He understands where Xiao Zhan is coming from; in his many years of being unrequitedly in love, Yibo has entertained many scenarios of being abandoned because he wasn't enough for Xiao Zhan's soulmate instincts. They've seen and heard countless stories from the media about parts of souls rebelling against the whole. It's a phenomenon akin to drug withdrawal.

But, Yibo is decided. He has made his decision long ago. Meeting his soulmate just affirmed his choice. "Remember all those times that I told you I love you?" Yibo wears a nostalgic smile. "I was ten when you laughed my confession off. I confessed to you almost every year, and you gave me different excuses each time. I almost gave up when you told me about your first boyfriend. But, I can't help it."

Yibo takes Xiao Zhan's hands, raises them to his lips, and pours gentle pecks onto the back of his hand. "I'm familiar with difficulty, Zhan ge. I knew since I was ten that it's going to be difficult, but I still chased after you because I wanted you. Things haven't changed for me. Even if my soul craves for Yin Zheng, you have this" -- He points to his temples -- "and this" -- this time, he points to his heart -- "because I chose you, it has always been you, and I'm not afraid to face whatever shit the universe wants to throw at me just to keep you." He breathes in and out, shaking a little. "Unless you're not sure about me anymore." Yibo doesn't look at Xiao Zhan this time. "It's... Well, you'll have to reason with me, but I'll let you go. But, that doesn't change the fact that you're still going to be the one I want."

"Yibo, Yibo, no, look at me, please?" Xiao Zhan removes his hands from Yibo's grasp and, instead, holds the other's in his. "I want to be with you. When I decided to earn your trust again and finally reciprocate your feelings, I promised myself that you're the one thing in this life I don't want to lose ever again. Sometimes, I just feel a little guilty for taking you from an easy and happy future with your soulmate."

"But, aren't I doing the same?" Yibo retorts.

"You are. I just think you deserve so much, and I don't know if I'm able to give you all the things you deserve." Xiao Zhan's face softens. "It's a matter of wanting to be the one to give you those things, even if I know I can't give you everything." He pulls Yibo in for a hug and tucks his head in the crook of his neck. He kisses the side of Yibo's neck that he can reach. " _ Baobei _ ." One word is all it took for Yibo to know what Xiao Zhan wanted to say.

" _ Baobei _ ," Yibo wraps his arms around Xiao Zhan and strokes his back. "Your wrinkles are going to get deeper if you overthink some more. I mean, I like your wrinkles, but you're clearly bothered by them. Yin Zheng looks like a teenager at 34, maybe I can ask him for his secret later if you want--"

Xiao Zhan hums. "Yibo, read the atmosphere and stop ruining it, okay?" After a beat, they both break into giggles. They never let each other go, choosing to stay in each other's arms for the rest of the night.

When people think of soulmates, they automatically imagine a life full of bliss and love. They think that the key to a successful relationship is a blessing from the universe. However, when Yibo thinks of soulmates, he doesn't imagine a life with Yin Zheng. Instead, he pictures Xiao Zhan in his silly pink apron, narrating his cooking to the attentive Jianguo who thinks her owner will give her snacks if she listens enough. 'Soulmate' is a Xiao Zhan asleep on his desk, a flurry of documents and art previews just below his face. 'A life full of bliss and love' is talking to Xiao Zhan about his insecurities because he doesn't feel accomplished enough for a man like his boyfriend, or fighting when Yibo does something that upsets Xiao Zhan. 'A blessing from the universe' is cuddling and having random conversations about what kink they'll try next while The Notebook is playing on the TV.

Yibo has a different definition of soulmate. And he doesn't think he’ll have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> END.
> 
> Would love to read what you've thought of this work below! I'm also on twitter @sunstainedshits


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